Starting a new career

Oh my goodness, I have made sooo many mistakes and I kept making them again and again and again. I swear I feel like shooting myself or jumping from the 21st floor of my office building or maybe walk through the busy road and let me get run over by a car or a lorry. It's exhausting and it's exasperating and I swear I cant even give myself another chance for making those silly, typo/grammar/punctuation errors. I am so not fit to become a magazine editor...sigh..

The week has finally passed by. I know I have another week to battle through for another important deals to go through but I am trying not to be ahead of myself. Take things as it comes and be really focus. Despite the elevated stress, I managed to get through it and a simple thank you sms from my client was good enough to wake me up with a smile on my face.

So I've started working since 3 months ago. I have definitely learned a great deal and when I try to take all the negativities out of the equation, it's actually a pretty good experience that I never thought I would actually be doing. So I am gonna be thankful with what I have and not gonna lament or think about what I have missed.

Since I like to ponder a lot on my decisions, I sometimes wonder why did I choose this job, why didn't I just go to that other interview, why didn't I apply for more jobs? But I know God has His own way of telling me that I need this. If I just try to look at everything in a positive light, I might be able to realize that it's a valuable experience worth fighting for. If I try not to think about that place that I miss sooo much, I might find a way to start embracing the reality that I am not going back there any time soon.

A friend questioned me why is there a strong attachment to that place. I guess the only correct answer to it is that it was my sanctuary. It was like a place where I gather all thoughts. A place where I revive myself. A place where I forgive myself and I let myself fall in love again. A place where I became stronger. A place where I can be a drama queen without anyone judging. hihi...

One day, I will go back, even just for a day. I will make sure of it.

Reception 2 dress - checked!

Went to the designer to discuss the wedding dress. Okay I'm a bit nervous and excited about how it's going to look like. I am extremely cautious about my waist to hip area. Frankly, if you want to make me feel down, just make any comments on that area and it would bother me the whole day. I could be sad and critical about myself for days. I hope it won't make me look fat. That's all I want. Haha.I am sure SH is going to make me look great, I just hope Mr. F is going to agree.

I bet I am the most easiest client to deal with because I really don't have a specific dream wedding dress. I sort of know what I like and what I don't but I am very flexible on how the design should be. I blame my factual/scientific background for my lack of creativity. You can just give me a bouquet of flower and like a handbag to decorate for a hantaran and I would be very stressed out trying to get everything in symmetry and ended up with a very beginner work of art. I bet a 12 year old is able to produce a better masterpiece than me. Yeap, I'm pathetic like that. I love pretty things but I like to hire people to make things pretty for me.

Can't wait to meet the tailor for my solemnisation dress!

Can't wait to get this all over and done so that I can look at the outcome.

Fantastic Adventure

The big day is finally over. I have been extremely tired to even think about the big graduation. It was my second and it was more relax than I ever expected. Besides keep leaving stuff behind and running around uni to find it, it was all worth the wait- took awesome pictures with family and friends sans professional photographer and had a nice dinner at Sofia with friends and Ms P was kind enough to drive my family to Camberwell and back to Thornburry.

I know it sounds soo cliche but yes I could never have pulled it off without my beloved parents. Oh yes, they have sacrificed so much and I am forever grateful.

I always say that Mr. Fiance deserves 30% of my Master because of all the proofreading and editing that he has to make especially when I was too cranky and tired to re-read my assignments. For that, I would like to congratulate him for surviving 2 years of mood-swings and 'I-know-what-I'm-doing-stop-nagging' attitude.

I have to give a special shout out to my lil bro for being cool enough to answer those late nights meltdowns through sms especially when I have some disagreements with the significant other. Wished he could have joined the event today. It would have been awesome to have him around

All in all it was a fantastic adventure and if I have the money I would beg hubby-to-be to let me stay in Melbourne longer. I'll be back, I promise

So long Melbourne.

p/s: i cant hardly open my eyes right now, so please ignore those odd phrasing and awkward grammar

Tears and Goodbyes

The hardest thing about moving on is saying goodbyes. I thought I could be strong and just smile as I hug and bid them farewell. Instead, we were all bawling. Two years flew by and we had grown so close to each other.It breaks my heart into little micro pieces having to leave them. I am not sure if they are going to remember 'the girls' next door as much as we would in 10 years time, but I do hope that when they do look back, somewhere at the back of their mind, they can recall that there used to be 2 girls living next door at Nicholson and we had shared loads of fun together.

To A & T, you were the 'coolest' parents ever. Thank you for entertaining all those frequent requests and helping out in every way that you can. To M, R and A, I hope we'll see each other again and may you girls grow up to become amazing artists/dancers/ any other things you aspire to be.

To Melbourne, I am leaving you soon.

Keep it up

When I think about all those things I've done, my heart bleeds. How Allah has blessed me with so many good things in life and how I haven't done much to show Him my appreciation. How selfish I've been. No matter how many wrong turns I took, He still answers my prayers. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to even want to ask more things from Him, believing that maybe I do not deserve it. I know He hears me and in my weakest and darkest point, I know only He understands.

I have to put a stop to this procrastination. My life depends on the last 3 hurdles. I will go through my last battle and InsyaAllah I will graduate.

To infinity and beyond!!!!!!!!!!!!

Power of acceptance

Sometimes you ask yourselves soo many questions to know whether you've made the right decisions. You then asked God if He can show you some guidance. You keep on searching and you realised maybe the sign is within you but you just don't wanna accept it.

Once you've made the transition, you ask The Almighty for the strength to go through any hurdles. You asked Him for His blessings. You realised that you are no longer afraid of that decision any more. It's right because it feels right.

Accepting is a powerful decision. If the journey ends in a different direction, well so be it. I know I was brave enough to even decide and accept it in the first place.

Don't give up

Psssttt,

Mummy dearest is planning the whole wedding event for moi twice (KL and Penang)! I'm gonna have three receptions. hihi. One for all my lovely friends and awesome family, one intimate event for his friends and family and another one networking event for my dad's colleagues and VIP guests.

All three events will have totally different 'themes', totally different crowds and surroundings, totally different expectations and totally different looks. I'm looking forward to the dressing up, maybe not so much on the hurdles that I have to go through. Well, it's all part of the processes right.

Being a natural people pleaser, I hate it when I think I've offended someone or anyone. It tears me into pieces just thinking about it. So wedding preparation is such a challenge for my poor heart and mind. Oh yes, there are times when I want to give up and think, well here I am trying to make everyone happy, but who cares about my fragile heart? It's all part of the processes kan...

7 days to go to finish all uni-related stuff. My mind can't take any more studying after this.

The End is Near

Okay so the plan is to write how I feel before the end is official and then compare the difference. So here goes

Tomorrow is going to be my last day at uni. It would also probably be my very last time in uni as a student unless I wanna do Phd which i have no intention of doing any time soon. Well never say never kan...

I feel a bit relieved that I managed to go through the hurdle of 2 years squeezing my brain out. There were times when I just wanna get the hell out of this country, there were also those times when I don't think I ever wanna leave. I know I need to face the reality and get back to my old routine if I can ever find that routine again.

I'm excited for things to come but I also need to be real and be really2 patient for my next hurdle- job search. I may not enjoy the process entirely but it's something that I have to do so I need to buckle up and get ready to sell myself, in a professional way of course!

I can't believe it's finally happening. Ya Allah berat sungguh nak habiskan. Memang banyak dugaan sepanjang 2 tahun ni. Doakan everything will end smoothly for me.

Cerita lain pulak, just realised that my wedding is going to be in 3 months. Oh No!!! I wish I can share all the preparation stories but I feel so conscious to talk about it cos I feel like it might sound as if I'm bragging or something. Please pray that the preparation will go on as smooth as possible and most importantly please pray that there's no big conflicts from any parties!

At random

Last 2 weeks of school...come on babeh!!

Sooo many things to do. Soo little time...Tapi still got time to update blog...haiya...

I am going to miss Melbie soo damn much. I wish I can stay longer, I want to but sape mau sponsor me money??? dushhh ( that's a reality penumbuk to my face to remind myself that i need to stop berangan)

Feels like it was just yesterday that I took a brave plunge to down under because I was demotivated, frustrated and disappointed with my life (drama queen moment again).

I was talking to Rubs the other day and she said 'please don't ever forget us' (while holding back her tears)...awww...heartbroken sekejap...

Why does the uni decide to change their student admin system n caused a massive problem esp the grad date. Why does it have to happen this year!!! Flights from 24 onwards is sold out. Since the price between AirAsia and MAS is sooo similar i rather take MAS...tapi kalau dah sold out, nak naik apa...hmfff...balik in January la nampaknye...NO!!!

I'm worried kalau i just can't go home in December, i might just let go off the dream of getting the designer to design my dress and just opt for whatever collection she has...oh pls let me have this one dream without it being taken away too....

p/s: yes this post has defy all grammar rules of any sort of continuation from one paragraph to the other

Raya is going to be on the same day with Malaysia

Oh my, it just occurred to me that this is going to be my very last raya before I start a new journey celebrating Eid with my very own family. This is also the first time ever that I'm celebrating it on my own without my family. They came to Melbourne last year to celebrate with me but this year I'm on my own. I seriously dunno which is going to make me feel more overwhelmed - the fact that I get to experience raya on my own or the fact that next year (InsyaAllah) raya will have to be split between two families....(butterflies are sprinting in the stomach at the thought of this)

Although I am very sad that Ramadhan is finally over (how time flies), I sometimes wish I can have a universal remote control to slow things down a bit. I dunno if I'm ready to go home yet. Oh well, just last night I was lamenting about how much I miss MY and how I wish I could go home as soon as possible. Talk about being a spoiled brat.

I hope this is not going to be my very last Ramadhan and I wish for blissful and blessful life ahead. Selamat Hari Raya everyone. I'm at least thankful for all the great friends I have here.

-Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum-

Oh No!!

You know what makes me feel sad right now? I'm leaving my country to go back to my second home...oh wow I cant believe I'm calling it my second home. I am also disappointed that I'm not gonna be there for most of the wedding preparation of myself! Not that I have to do every little detail of the wedding myself... When it comes to having a 'big' family where everyone loves to get involve and actually get down and dirty with everything, there's gonna be a lot of people to listen to and I don't think my voice will be heard that much anyway. It's not necessarily a bad thing because I have soo many willing hands to help that I feel guilty about turning them down. Yeap, I'm happy everyone wants to help my poor mummy who has to figure out a lot of stuff on my behalf while I'm gone. It can be stressful when there's a clash of ideas especially concerning an area where my fiance is most particular about and that makes me extremely nervous.

Everything is still at an initial step right now. I know it's not gonna be a completely smooth journey, but I pray that I have the patience and strength to go through it and that everyone can be tolerant towards each other. That's not too much to ask right?The next good thing is at least I get to take part in it, even at the very last minute of it. I can also churn out my ideas on his side n he usually step it up a few notch because he is very, I mean very meticulous.

Now, let's study better, cycle more, save more and shopping less unless it's for hantaran ;)

Reasons to smile

When you feel things are getting harder and you just don't know what else to do. Take a deep breath and tell yourself there's nothing else in the world stopping you from reaching that goal. So go and get them!

When you cant seem to find that inner peace and you are suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Well, take a step back, perform wuduk and pray to the Almighty.

When you want that someone to be there on your most emotional ride, you are scared and you wanna believe again, only to realise that you're on your own. Listen to your heart, Allah is listening to you. Hold on, there are people who care and they are sending warm wishes.

and then there was him. Always passionate and loving, loyal but sometimes annoying. He was there during my tears and laughters, giving me sunlight when I only see grey. I love you Smoke and I am gonna miss you when you go back to your real family.

I'm Smokey and I love my catsitter ;)

Let's fly with me

picture courtesy of guardian.co.uk

There are certain things in life that requires much more thoughts than the rest. There are times when you think you are sure of something that you want, only to have reality put a different spin on your life. I guess where I am getting right now is that I have another semester to go, I want to complete this, I want to keep moving forward. I can't keep dwelling of the past and really be courageous enough to move on. So I'm forcing myself to let it go. Those doubts and uncertainties have to go. The fears and crazy thoughts have to leave. Let's fly

Random thoughts

So many doubts and uncertainty,
So many questions, justification and considerations,
So many of what IFs and what NOTs
So many fears and distractions
So many more, so little time

ArRahman ArRahim, guide me to find a piece of mind. Show me what is right. Don't blind me with irrationality and conceal me from any truth. Lord Almighty, in you I seek the answer.

Brazilian extraction

I haven't had the chance to write about JM concert y'all. I need time when my mind is clear from the exam stress and teeth pain. That's when I'll dedicate my energy solely to writing about JM... **drooling**

I'm having a very bad wisdom teeth pain. It's so bad that I can't sleep and I swear small tears kept coming out of my right eyes because it's soo painful. No amount of pain killer can help to alleviate the pain. I have no choice but to remove it before it gets worse. Obviously it's not getting any better. The dentist is kinda hot - in a latin american way. Huhu. Walking into his dental clinic is like going to a telenovela show set. Is it normal to feel a little bit nervous about this teeth extractions. I am terrified that it might affect my concentration on my studies. I hope I recover fast enough to do really well in my exam.

Think Positive. I'm a smart and intelligent young woman. Nothing can stop me from my success. I can do this!

The Solemnization

I've just witnessed one of the greatest moments in my life. The solemnization of my dearie beloved bff. Thank goodness for Skype! Thanks for being giving me good connection today. Although I've been getting shitty quality lately but today you were great to me. Thank you Skype for not failing on me!

Thanks to my other bestie for being cool enough to hold on to the laptop n making sure that I get the exclusive view of the whole event. Aww you are the best babe! I am sooo happy for NAA. I thought that I was gonna be all drama queen and bawl my heart out. Turned out I was just unable to contain my excitement. Hence, the shriek of laughters can be heard from the macbook in the middle of an important event..haha...Although I can't be there, at least I know what it was like. To hear and watch through the camera lense when Uncle J gave his daughter away to his son-in-law, that was good enough for me.

I miss everyone back home. I seriously do. I can't wait to go home now.

NAA may you lead a great new life. May you carve a wonderful new journey with the love of your life. May you be strong and patience to get through any obstacles that might come your way. I love you so much and I pray everyday that you have a blessful life ahead. Amin

Get it going

Stress level is at the max. Self-esteem needs to go up. Motivation has to go to the next level. Prayers can cure.

Ya Allah, help me clear any sign of doubts and insecurities.

Give me strength and patience to go through the multiple tasks

I know I belong here because of your Mercy and Eternal Love

It's just some assignments, not like I'm in the bloodshed battle field :)

Another invitation

And they say, "Our Lord, let our spouses and children be a source of joy for us, and keep us in the forefront of the righteous." [25:74]

There has always been mixed perception and opinions about the union. The ardent followers submit to the rightful ways. The not-so ardent followers who always pray and work hard to be a better servant, have their own stand. This is the age when a lot of my peers are either already blissfully in unison or joining the bandwagon. I used to have a mixed feelings too. They say it's gonna be over for you because your life no longer belongs to you but only to your partner. No one's gonna employ you cos you're just not gonna be committed. You have no freedom any longer.

I don't really know whether those are true. However, surely there must be a reason why it's a strong covenant made by The Almighty. Surely in this era of 21st century, people can't be too narrow minded about judging your ability according to your marital status. What about having that extra edge, the persistence to show people your own capabilities and that you deserve the job. Surely, your life doesn't just stop there. Surely, you get a different kind of freedom where you are free to build your own tradition, have a new set of practices and maybe freedom in the heart to continue your journey to find His path now that you are stable.

Surely, I was raised in a religious and Eastern culture which has shaped my mindset in a slightly strange way in the eyes of the 'Westerners'. Surely, I believe that it is gonna be a different challenge and surely I'll be there someday. I pray that Allah guides me there at the most suitable time for me. InshaAllah

Our thoughts and prayers with you

We received a pretty bad news a few days ago from a friend. Yesterday, the news was reported in Berita Harian. A fellow Malaysian was attacked on her way to uni. She was walking towards her class in the afternoon when she noticed that someone was following her. She notified this in her fb status but when she tried to take a detour to a nearby shop, she was caught and taken to a nearby car where she was hurt till she became unconscious. She woke up in an abandoned house, her hands tied up, battered and bruised. She managed to escape and immediately switched on her phone and received a call from a worried friend. Our prayers goes out to her. We hope justice will be served and she remain strong during this troubled times. This happened at a main busy street.

This reminded me of my unfortunate encounter with a flasher at a busy Princess St just a few days before Hanna was attacked. I was lucky because I was accompanied with a friend. Melbourne has been getting a lot of bad reports from bashing an international student, late night attacks on random people and of course the pub attacks. It was so frequent now that they decided to install additional CCTV in the city.

Be safe everyone. We pray that you Hanna has the patience and the courage to move on. May Allah give u the strength to go through this.